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Please tell me of a man who did not give in to
temptation.
Of strong words, he will show you happiness is boring.
The responsibility will wear out even the most distinguished
gentleman down to his last nail. So why did I not take
advantage of her properly shaved wetness? A calculating
man would have been happy.
To my girlfriend Today I'm on trial for a crime I'm sure I didn't commit in your dreams I guess I made you jealous and the verdict has already been handed. My policewoman, judge and executioner, please wake up, and maybe you can get to know me. Modern Art One of the things I noticed in life is that a woman will really try to hurt you after you stopped making love. Really, don't believe in 'Let's be friends' or any of that sweettalk. When you break off you should do it properly, so you don't give her a chance to get back at you for being hurt. Can you believe that logic? After all that mutual pain, blame the other and inflict some more. Of course she doesn't mean it like that, no bad intentions, just a tenderness deficiency, a normal feeling after a break-up. After all, I am normal too. "When you break off you should do it properly" And that's where my problem lies. In general I genuine like her and I don't like to break off contact as if it were all meaningless. The opposite of love is friendship
Shadowland The life I lead is disconnected. From nature, from people, women, from reality. Where I live there is not much light. The 7th floor is just not high enough between all the 20+ story concrete bee-hives. Air-conditioning keeps the real weather outside and it has been a while since I saw a real tree. No my life is full with concrete, airports and cubicles. Even running I do on a exercise machine. As an act of defiance I take the bicycle to work. Traffic cops this morning were staring at the apparition, moving past in a three piece suit in 95 degree heat. Coming back a Jamaican driver was trying to make a kill. The wind rushing through my hair, the pollution in my eyes and the sweat on my back make me feel alive. And it saves a one-and-a-halve-dollar token. More serious is the disconnection from people. I have never fared well in groups and I am not doing much better in multi-million megapoles. Of course I am in the wrong profession. Investment bankers and computer programmers are not known to be the most social animals, can you imagine a combination of the two? People my age are only spending time buying houses, consuming and having babies. If you can say one thing about evolution, it definitely will keep people like me a minority. I feel much more affinity with younger people, artists, travelers. But not with the underprivileged of society, the poor, the homeless, the 'losers'. No, success is one of the most attractive qualities people can have. But the few successful, young artists, travelers and such of course have no need to associate themselves with a mere computer programmer. I immediately notice it when I tell someone what I do. 'Ah.. Interesting' is about the most positive reply I got after which the conversation slipped into the usual chitchat. Before women realized computer geeks make heaps of money, my answer to them was just 'I type'. Everything better than a programmer. The funny thing is that if I look at my friends they all have sort of the same background. Even though they're very different from each other, they all spend most of their youth disconnected from the rest of the world, like me. Either one of us would have ended in the lowest ranks at a popularity contest. And even though most of us are now quite successful and even popular, there is still this trace of feeling disconnected left. It will never leave me. April 1997 's Avonds laat de geur van frisse lenteregen Signethuis Oktober 1997 Ring, Ring, met de fiets door Manhattan. Geen verkeer Alleen veel auto's en passeerende torenflats Dank je Tinka Tokyo Walking your garden on a silent summernight with your scent alone Controversy My furniture has already been given away. I do not own a house, no car. Having possessions is just restraining. I prefer a minimalistic life. It?s a way of stress reduction. Where I used to worry about my future, if I would be able to make a career, find a girlfriend, be successful, make my parents proud and so on, has now been replaced with a serene don?t-care mood. It?s just not that important anymore. Sure this statement is contradicting some of my other writings, but I?m just like life, a controversy. It?s up to you to make any sense out of it. Why it is not important anymore? Some of it is easy talking. If you are successful and you have money it starts to lose relevance by itself. You realize there will always be richer and more successful people. As long a you can buy the things you like it?s pretty much ok. And somewhere in your twenties it starts to dawn that almost everybody can find a girlfriend, so there is no reason to panic. It just happens. Most of it though is the realization that worrying does not help. It?s not worth the stress. It makes you do silly things like running after the wrong woman or working way too hard. Better is to relax and live now. Carpe diem. Seize the day. How to find a girlfriend. I am laying in bed. Alone, just watched a video on a TV/VCR set I bought this evening. My ex today took the previous set with her as she finally arranged her stuff to be moved out. This has been the third time I have been living with a girlfriend. It didn?t work, I wasn?t happy and so I broke up. Again. I want to be with a woman, I need to be with a woman. It?s the only thing that can really make me mindlessly happy. Even if you can reasonably expect that it will only be for a limited amount of time. What is reason anyway? And so now the simple question I ask myself again; How to find another woman? Simply checking the internet, like you can do for jobs, apartments and so on, quickly teaches that there are a couple of million other desperate men out there. Even though I know there is no point to it I put an ad on the Yahoo! personals. Of course zero response. And that while I know there are enough women out there that would really like me. Quite frustrating. I would really like to do something else with my life than making money, watching TV and eating alone. Of course I could look around a little bit more aggressively. But things like going into town alone and chat up women is not what I feel like doing. Taking initiative, like actually responding to women?s ads and such is too much effort. Not that I mind effort, it?s just that I don?t feel like a used cars salesman, trying to aggressively advertise myself. Especially in this city there are already enough of these. No, I have to get more creative. First I thought of getting a roommate in my apartment, preferably a woman with a lot of girlfriends. But no, that would only be trouble. Going to the gym can?t hurt. At least I will be in great shape by the time I finally meet someone. Meeting people at work is not really an option. I work at investment banks and the people there are not really human, and in most cases not really female either. No I have to get really creative this time. Become a writer, a traveler, an artist... O well, let?s first get some sleep. Tomorrow is another working day. C-Drive Day 2 I just realized that the few people I know here, and for that matter anywhere, I got to know by myself and never through a girlfriend. And that while I have been in a relationship about 8 years of the last 10. You get to meet the friends of your girlfriend, but they will never become your own. Even contact with them on your own does not happen. In this matter the only good thing about having a girlfriend is that it attracts other women to you. When it rains, it pours. Silly isn?t it? Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now? -Arthur Dent Almost a year later Look at me. I am doing exactly what I wanted to do. Being single never felt so great. How to find a girlfriend? Pffff... why worry. Today it`s more like how to get rid of them. Traveling I am doing madly, writing this from Chicas in Tokyo. Last month India, Amsterdam, next week Fiji. How did I get here? How did I get HERE? After breaking up a relationship it is always good to indulge yourself completely into denying that you ever even cared. Simply put, I went out to have fun. Traveling, visiting old girlfriends and meeting new. Stay with my family (my mother is the best woman I have ever met) and stay with friends. Work out and lose all that excess fat. Get a new job, earn too much money and go out and try to spend it. Of course being lucky helps. Being in the right place at the right time is not a science. I even found some fun computer programmers. Yes, they are out there. And of course Tokyo. Tokyo rules. This place is too relaxed. Never had so much sex in my life and enjoyed it. So what to do next? Ahhh, who cares. I am drinking a rum & coke right now and I will be seeing Chisako in about 1 1/2 hours. What more do I want? Life is much simpler than expected. Fucked up Empty page, I am trying to describe my feelings. Listening to The Orb, Fluffy Clouds. Pause, no.. I can see her little breasts. Her indecent smile saying no, I don’t want your handcuffs, no perversity tonight. Her ignorance, not knowing her boyfriend wants to, no denying her boyfriend wants to give her away. “I’m looking for a husband”, but what are you doing with this guy. Who are you? At least I know now. Your parents weren’t there when you needed them. Just as ‘not home’ as the rest of my friends, as me. But why is it you don’t understand the fact that you are nothing more than ... When a man is as simple as a woman, The earth will grow, The tree is green Please, flash before my eyes, give me an image of recognition, the fast life. Almost 150 mph, vague music, bringing me to a state close to true love, on a crash couse, in unknown lands. I hear you through the trees, the forest is calling me, sliding on pure grass, downhill to the country house, we make love like there is no tomorrow, and no heating too. The only fresh water from the pump, we’re playing cards till we run out of alcohol. I love you, you projection of my desire. I remember. I then, suddenly, I am here. What am I doing here. Melancholya. Like Cholera, this question never disappears. Please, save me from boredom. I am easily bored. Money, love, sex, all bore me equally. Tell me a story. Tell me why you are the person you pretend to be. I need to know. Otherwise life is not interesting. You have to tell me now. Everything else is boring, just you, I only want to know about you. Really,. that’s what I live for. To interact, to understand, to feel, to live. Do you understand? |
